I apologise for not updating my blog more. Due to my rather ‘select’ group of readers, however, I suspect this is not the end of the world.
The end of the world involves many more cannibals and in-flight magazines. There are many ‘theories’ as to how the apocalypse will arrive. The most popular (by vote) of these is that of nuclear holocaust. The nuclear holocaust is a scenario in which the reanimated corpse of Hitler attempts to destroy every Jew on the planet with a nuclear warhead. The thrifty or bearded readers among you will almost certainly be mutated by some form of lingering radiation, while the rest of us will escape relatively unharmed. HOWEVER, the electromagnetic pulse will disable all electronic devices, and, if movies have shown us anything, it is that society will quickly devolve into post-apocalyptic tribes of punks and cannibals.
In the event of nuclear holocaust, you yourself may be tempted to resort to cannibalism, but I warn you, DO NOT DO IT. Once you start, you cannot stop and will eventually become just another irradiated flesh junky. Instead of eating them, I suggest experimenting on humans as though they were lab rats (due to the radiation, actual rats will have grown up to eight times their original size, and so it will be impractical and dangerous to use them.)
If you really need food that badly (and I assume you will) I offer you this advice: airplanes. Grounded airplanes are a treasure-trove of salted peanuts. These will provide all the nutrition you need - do not be fooled by the ‘food pyramid’ you may have heard about. This is merely a scam used by Egyptian dieticians to sell books that are not even written in hieroglyphics. Airplanes also contain enormous back-catalogues of in-flight magazines, which can withstand nuclear blasts completely unharmed and are one of the few materials which will never biodegrade. Ever. They are ideal for building shelters and little forts, as well as providing some light reading.
Eventually you will want to do one of two things: go back in time to avert the blast and save the world, or make the best of things as they are and rebuild. I would suggest avoiding time travel, as it is rife with paradoxes WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW. I HAVE ONLY BEEN BLOGGING ABOUT IT FOR TWO YEARS.
Anyway, don’t travel back in time. Chances are that if Hitler came back, nothing you can do will stop him from coming back in any alternate history. Unless he was never killed in the first place, in which case he’s now immortal, so well done, genius. I suggest making the most of life in your post-apocalyptic shelter. Find some form of weaponry (may I suggest science?) to defend yourself against savages, cannibals and religious fanatics.
Once you have tested the structural integrity of your shelter by banging on it with a large stick for about three hours, start making it a little cozier by adding a throw-rug or some cushions. If cushions don’t exist in your time, litter the corpses of your defeated enemies at the outskirts of your territory. This will ward off trespassers, as well as boost your chi (dead bodies are rated highly in the ancient science of feng shui.)
Remember: do not drink the water. It does not contain all the electrolytes your body needs. If possible, break into an abandoned Gatorade factory. These factories often have Coca-Cola vending machines in their lobbies, which will supply your body with everything it needs (apart from love, obviously, but the coin slot should have enough spare change to buy you twenty minutes with one of the cheaper mutant prostitutes available – keep in mind, her face being slightly melted doesn’t lessen the attractiveness of her having two and a half breasts.)
You may find yourself growing bored, so why not take up a hobby? May I suggest surviving? Or perhaps dedicating yourself to the pursuit of science? Either to decontaminate the environment (this is more women’s work, so don’t feel that this is urgent) or to breed a race of super mutants (also known as ‘real’ science) who will fight your enemies until you achieve total dominance of the sprawling wasteland that was once a city.
After you’ve succeeded, just sit back and wait for the inevitable uprising of the mutants, before you are torn limb from limb and consumed in a cannibalistic orgy. Alternatively, offer them some peanuts. I trust you remembered to genetically engineer them with a fatal peanut allergy?
Keep these tips in mind, and you should have no trouble surviving the next nuclear holocaust. THAT’S RIGHT, THERE HAVE BEEN ONES BEFORE. But until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Brief History and/or Future of Time Travel
Time travel is problematic, what with all the paradoxes, grammatical uncertainty and incestuous hijinks that inevitably ensue. As such, I resolved to invent a new method of time travel that avoided these issues altogether.
Using a thin sheet of plastic wrapping (commonly used to preserve sandwiches during space flight) to cover an ordinary spacecraft, I developed a machine capable of temporal intangibility.
Temporal intangibility, as you all should know, is the quality of being unaffected by the passage of time. Essentially it is the quantum mechanics equivalent of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” if it were an ode to time itself, and not merely to all of the player-haters out there in the ‘ghetto’.
By initiating the temporal intangibility, the spacecraft (and anything inside) is completely unaffected by time until the mechanism is disengaged. In doing so, I can travel forward in time without aging or subjecting myself to populist cultural trends such as electro-shock therapy and the Macarena (oddly enough, both trends cause similar muscular spasms in the participant.)
Travelling backwards through time, however, is considerably more difficult. I would, in theory, have to force the entire universe to do everything in reverse for a certain period of time. This would be easy for stars and celestial bodies – they do very little and are widely regarded as galactic layabouts. Humans, however, are notorious for their stubbornness at doing everything forwards. Walking, talking (with the notable exception of satanic recording artists) and eating (again with the notable exception of the bulimic, alcoholic or Ancient Roman crowds) are all done forwards. Sexual ejaculation would be particularly unpleasant to complete in reverse, and is the primary reason for my hesitancy to travel back in time. Also everything is monochrome once you go past the 1930’s and having experienced the world in GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR, I cannot – or will not - go back to the way things used to be.
It is unfortunate, then, that once you go forward in time, you will be unable to go back. That is why my machine is currently untested, and so I do not know if it actually works. That has not, however, stopped me from selling it to a six year old boy in Scandinavia. His parents miss him dearly.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
Using a thin sheet of plastic wrapping (commonly used to preserve sandwiches during space flight) to cover an ordinary spacecraft, I developed a machine capable of temporal intangibility.
Temporal intangibility, as you all should know, is the quality of being unaffected by the passage of time. Essentially it is the quantum mechanics equivalent of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” if it were an ode to time itself, and not merely to all of the player-haters out there in the ‘ghetto’.
By initiating the temporal intangibility, the spacecraft (and anything inside) is completely unaffected by time until the mechanism is disengaged. In doing so, I can travel forward in time without aging or subjecting myself to populist cultural trends such as electro-shock therapy and the Macarena (oddly enough, both trends cause similar muscular spasms in the participant.)
Travelling backwards through time, however, is considerably more difficult. I would, in theory, have to force the entire universe to do everything in reverse for a certain period of time. This would be easy for stars and celestial bodies – they do very little and are widely regarded as galactic layabouts. Humans, however, are notorious for their stubbornness at doing everything forwards. Walking, talking (with the notable exception of satanic recording artists) and eating (again with the notable exception of the bulimic, alcoholic or Ancient Roman crowds) are all done forwards. Sexual ejaculation would be particularly unpleasant to complete in reverse, and is the primary reason for my hesitancy to travel back in time. Also everything is monochrome once you go past the 1930’s and having experienced the world in GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR, I cannot – or will not - go back to the way things used to be.
It is unfortunate, then, that once you go forward in time, you will be unable to go back. That is why my machine is currently untested, and so I do not know if it actually works. That has not, however, stopped me from selling it to a six year old boy in Scandinavia. His parents miss him dearly.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Eye of Newton
Yes, my friends, I have not posted in a while. You will forgive me, however, because I have implanted subliminal programming into your subconscious mind that forces you to do so. You will also forgive me because I have a good reason.
I have been teaching. "Teaching what?", the uneducated of you may ask. "Teaching SCIENCE!", I will reply. Or did reply. Just then. That was my reply. Anyway, I have been teaching science at a Unified Neurological Implantation facility, or UNI. This is apparently a place where the young and ignorant go to receive knowledge, which is directly implanted into their brains via pumps and lasers. Everything is done with pumps and lasers now, even lunch.
But how best to teach the youth of today? Surely conventional methods are ineffective, as young people dress and spell so poorly. The best way to learn, goes the old adage, is to teach. I have posited that the inverse of such a law would also be true. Thus, I have enrolled in my own class as a student, in order to teach to the best of my ability.
I will enlighten you as to the observations I have made in my experiment thus far.
Day One: Very little happened. No sign of teacher. Students became restless. Sat in lecture hall for a good three hours before deciding that there would be no lesson today.
Day Two: Similar observations. Still no 'educating' taking place.
Day Three: A 'substitute' teacher showed up, and attempted to direct the class. The result is mixed at best. A largely theoretical approach was taken, with NO explosions at all.
Day Four: Again the substitute showed up to 'teach'. No chemicals were mixed, and few - if any - loud exclamations were issued whilst holding a beaker triumphantly. Beginning to question the legitimacy of the supposed 'science' content of this course. My portable telephone activated whilst in class - embarrassing for all involved. The caller asked why I have not shown up to teach the class, or called in sick. I inform them that I am a mere student, and that they have the wrong number.
Day Five: Still no explosions. I interrupt the 'lecture' at several points to question this - only response being laughter. Upon questioning the credentials of the teacher, I was thrown out. Teacher seems to resent the use of the words "talentless hack".
Day Six: Lecture is difficult to hear through the solid wooden doors. Attempts to blow up the door were ineffective. Recommend use of actual explosives tomorrow.
Day Seven: No class. Apparently some sort of alarm was sounded, and the students were sent home.
Day Eight: Class resumes, but I am indisposed. I have been called to meet with the Dean of Students. Attempts to straighten this whole mess out were met with confusion. Perhaps I will have to teach the teachers how to teach science, before they will let me teach science.
Day Nine: I throw the substitute teacher out of MY classroom. He resists, until I show him the note from the Dean that explains things. Class begins. My expectations for the students were far too high. They do not even understand the basic system of elemental categories - based on the sound-effects made when they explode. They insist on something called a Periodic Table. I inform them that the only table needed is a lab bench, from which you can make things explode. This is met with derision and laughter from students. Recommend removing their laughing-glands before next lesson.
Day Ten: Operation a success for students 1-23. Dean of Students arrived before the rest could be finished. Attempts to explain the situation in a lighthearted way were unsuccessful. Dean said it was no laughing matter. Maybe he also had this operation performed - not happy with the results? Offer to perform a laughing-gland transplant was rejected. Removed from grounds of University.
Day Eleven: Received summary dismissal. No pay received.
So, there you have it. Coincidentally, I am now completely available to offer private tuition, or to provide educational lectures. I have a great one on Isaac Newton and how witchcraft influenced his description of the three laws of motion.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
I have been teaching. "Teaching what?", the uneducated of you may ask. "Teaching SCIENCE!", I will reply. Or did reply. Just then. That was my reply. Anyway, I have been teaching science at a Unified Neurological Implantation facility, or UNI. This is apparently a place where the young and ignorant go to receive knowledge, which is directly implanted into their brains via pumps and lasers. Everything is done with pumps and lasers now, even lunch.
But how best to teach the youth of today? Surely conventional methods are ineffective, as young people dress and spell so poorly. The best way to learn, goes the old adage, is to teach. I have posited that the inverse of such a law would also be true. Thus, I have enrolled in my own class as a student, in order to teach to the best of my ability.
I will enlighten you as to the observations I have made in my experiment thus far.
Day One: Very little happened. No sign of teacher. Students became restless. Sat in lecture hall for a good three hours before deciding that there would be no lesson today.
Day Two: Similar observations. Still no 'educating' taking place.
Day Three: A 'substitute' teacher showed up, and attempted to direct the class. The result is mixed at best. A largely theoretical approach was taken, with NO explosions at all.
Day Four: Again the substitute showed up to 'teach'. No chemicals were mixed, and few - if any - loud exclamations were issued whilst holding a beaker triumphantly. Beginning to question the legitimacy of the supposed 'science' content of this course. My portable telephone activated whilst in class - embarrassing for all involved. The caller asked why I have not shown up to teach the class, or called in sick. I inform them that I am a mere student, and that they have the wrong number.
Day Five: Still no explosions. I interrupt the 'lecture' at several points to question this - only response being laughter. Upon questioning the credentials of the teacher, I was thrown out. Teacher seems to resent the use of the words "talentless hack".
Day Six: Lecture is difficult to hear through the solid wooden doors. Attempts to blow up the door were ineffective. Recommend use of actual explosives tomorrow.
Day Seven: No class. Apparently some sort of alarm was sounded, and the students were sent home.
Day Eight: Class resumes, but I am indisposed. I have been called to meet with the Dean of Students. Attempts to straighten this whole mess out were met with confusion. Perhaps I will have to teach the teachers how to teach science, before they will let me teach science.
Day Nine: I throw the substitute teacher out of MY classroom. He resists, until I show him the note from the Dean that explains things. Class begins. My expectations for the students were far too high. They do not even understand the basic system of elemental categories - based on the sound-effects made when they explode. They insist on something called a Periodic Table. I inform them that the only table needed is a lab bench, from which you can make things explode. This is met with derision and laughter from students. Recommend removing their laughing-glands before next lesson.
Day Ten: Operation a success for students 1-23. Dean of Students arrived before the rest could be finished. Attempts to explain the situation in a lighthearted way were unsuccessful. Dean said it was no laughing matter. Maybe he also had this operation performed - not happy with the results? Offer to perform a laughing-gland transplant was rejected. Removed from grounds of University.
Day Eleven: Received summary dismissal. No pay received.
So, there you have it. Coincidentally, I am now completely available to offer private tuition, or to provide educational lectures. I have a great one on Isaac Newton and how witchcraft influenced his description of the three laws of motion.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
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