Apocalypse Now. Or, more accurately: Apocalypse Sometime in the Future

I apologise for not updating my blog more. Due to my rather ‘select’ group of readers, however, I suspect this is not the end of the world.

The end of the world involves many more cannibals and in-flight magazines. There are many ‘theories’ as to how the apocalypse will arrive. The most popular (by vote) of these is that of nuclear holocaust. The nuclear holocaust is a scenario in which the reanimated corpse of Hitler attempts to destroy every Jew on the planet with a nuclear warhead. The thrifty or bearded readers among you will almost certainly be mutated by some form of lingering radiation, while the rest of us will escape relatively unharmed. HOWEVER, the electromagnetic pulse will disable all electronic devices, and, if movies have shown us anything, it is that society will quickly devolve into post-apocalyptic tribes of punks and cannibals.

In the event of nuclear holocaust, you yourself may be tempted to resort to cannibalism, but I warn you, DO NOT DO IT. Once you start, you cannot stop and will eventually become just another irradiated flesh junky. Instead of eating them, I suggest experimenting on humans as though they were lab rats (due to the radiation, actual rats will have grown up to eight times their original size, and so it will be impractical and dangerous to use them.)

If you really need food that badly (and I assume you will) I offer you this advice: airplanes. Grounded airplanes are a treasure-trove of salted peanuts. These will provide all the nutrition you need - do not be fooled by the ‘food pyramid’ you may have heard about. This is merely a scam used by Egyptian dieticians to sell books that are not even written in hieroglyphics. Airplanes also contain enormous back-catalogues of in-flight magazines, which can withstand nuclear blasts completely unharmed and are one of the few materials which will never biodegrade. Ever. They are ideal for building shelters and little forts, as well as providing some light reading.

Eventually you will want to do one of two things: go back in time to avert the blast and save the world, or make the best of things as they are and rebuild. I would suggest avoiding time travel, as it is rife with paradoxes WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW. I HAVE ONLY BEEN BLOGGING ABOUT IT FOR TWO YEARS.

Anyway, don’t travel back in time. Chances are that if Hitler came back, nothing you can do will stop him from coming back in any alternate history. Unless he was never killed in the first place, in which case he’s now immortal, so well done, genius. I suggest making the most of life in your post-apocalyptic shelter. Find some form of weaponry (may I suggest science?) to defend yourself against savages, cannibals and religious fanatics.

Once you have tested the structural integrity of your shelter by banging on it with a large stick for about three hours, start making it a little cozier by adding a throw-rug or some cushions. If cushions don’t exist in your time, litter the corpses of your defeated enemies at the outskirts of your territory. This will ward off trespassers, as well as boost your chi (dead bodies are rated highly in the ancient science of feng shui.)

Remember: do not drink the water. It does not contain all the electrolytes your body needs. If possible, break into an abandoned Gatorade factory. These factories often have Coca-Cola vending machines in their lobbies, which will supply your body with everything it needs (apart from love, obviously, but the coin slot should have enough spare change to buy you twenty minutes with one of the cheaper mutant prostitutes available – keep in mind, her face being slightly melted doesn’t lessen the attractiveness of her having two and a half breasts.)

You may find yourself growing bored, so why not take up a hobby? May I suggest surviving? Or perhaps dedicating yourself to the pursuit of science? Either to decontaminate the environment (this is more women’s work, so don’t feel that this is urgent) or to breed a race of super mutants (also known as ‘real’ science) who will fight your enemies until you achieve total dominance of the sprawling wasteland that was once a city.

After you’ve succeeded, just sit back and wait for the inevitable uprising of the mutants, before you are torn limb from limb and consumed in a cannibalistic orgy. Alternatively, offer them some peanuts. I trust you remembered to genetically engineer them with a fatal peanut allergy?

Keep these tips in mind, and you should have no trouble surviving the next nuclear holocaust. THAT’S RIGHT, THERE HAVE BEEN ONES BEFORE. But until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!