Time travel is problematic, what with all the paradoxes, grammatical uncertainty and incestuous hijinks that inevitably ensue. As such, I resolved to invent a new method of time travel that avoided these issues altogether.
Using a thin sheet of plastic wrapping (commonly used to preserve sandwiches during space flight) to cover an ordinary spacecraft, I developed a machine capable of temporal intangibility.
Temporal intangibility, as you all should know, is the quality of being unaffected by the passage of time. Essentially it is the quantum mechanics equivalent of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” if it were an ode to time itself, and not merely to all of the player-haters out there in the ‘ghetto’.
By initiating the temporal intangibility, the spacecraft (and anything inside) is completely unaffected by time until the mechanism is disengaged. In doing so, I can travel forward in time without aging or subjecting myself to populist cultural trends such as electro-shock therapy and the Macarena (oddly enough, both trends cause similar muscular spasms in the participant.)
Travelling backwards through time, however, is considerably more difficult. I would, in theory, have to force the entire universe to do everything in reverse for a certain period of time. This would be easy for stars and celestial bodies – they do very little and are widely regarded as galactic layabouts. Humans, however, are notorious for their stubbornness at doing everything forwards. Walking, talking (with the notable exception of satanic recording artists) and eating (again with the notable exception of the bulimic, alcoholic or Ancient Roman crowds) are all done forwards. Sexual ejaculation would be particularly unpleasant to complete in reverse, and is the primary reason for my hesitancy to travel back in time. Also everything is monochrome once you go past the 1930’s and having experienced the world in GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR, I cannot – or will not - go back to the way things used to be.
It is unfortunate, then, that once you go forward in time, you will be unable to go back. That is why my machine is currently untested, and so I do not know if it actually works. That has not, however, stopped me from selling it to a six year old boy in Scandinavia. His parents miss him dearly.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I love these so much
SINCE WHEN DID I GET A READER THAT WASN'T SCOTT?
The logical explanation would be that I am broadcasting my 'blog' into a parallel dimension where I have exactly one more reader than I do in my own dimension.
This is indeed a disturbing universe. Do you people also breathe ammonium? Do you all have microchips implanted in your skull to register your favourite brands of potato chips in order to GOUGE YOU SENSELESS WITH INTERDIMENSIONAL PRICE INCREASES?
If so, I am selling some fine, ammonium-flavoured potato chips. You may wish to purchase them at a price we may negotiate later.
Gorge* my dear Jones.
I think you will find, my interdimensional dear, that the word gouge is perfectly acceptable in this context.
Gouge, verb: to engage in swindling, overcharging, or the like.
It is you who will be doing the gorging, once I have sold you ammonium-flavoured potato chips at exorbitant prices.
There's a discussion going on here.
Now I'm part of it.
Post a Comment