Acceleration Xmas = Force

Sorry, that was a typographical error made by my new research assistant Ruddiger, who is transcribing this new web log. The heading SHOULD read Acceleration x Mass = Force. That's Newton's second law. What ended up being the heading is almost a Christmas joke. And we all know there is no room for jokes in science. Apart from the laughboratory, but that's more of a facility than a room.

Getting back to science, however, I thought I should set the record straight about something. Science gets a lot of flack, especially around Christmas time, from organised religion. I feel this is unfair, and so I will attempt to straighten things out regarding this Jesus fellow.

Some people make him out to be some kind of miracle worker. He was not the messiah, nor was he a very naughty boy. He was an ordinary man - sure, he had some nice ideas about peace and love and that sort of thing, which people took a bit too far, but really he was just an average guy.

The biggest 'miracle' he's supposedly responsible for is being resurrected after his crucifixion. It sounds impressive, sure, but it's nothing we couldn't do with some stem cells and a few years to iron out the kinks. Honestly, though, Jesus didn't actually die from his crucifixion. 'What doesn't kill you,' goes the old adage, 'only makes you stronger'. Jesus was the son of a carpenter, Joseph. He helped his father out around the shop, and was somewhat accident prone (if historical evidence is to be believed). Statistically speaking, young Jesus was bound to nail a few planks of wood to himself by accident. In fact, it most likely happened quite often. Perhaps several times a week. As a result, he built up an immunity to it, and so when his crucifixion came, it was no problem for Jesus.

Now, some may point out that the legend states that his side was pierced with a spear. First, the spear actually missed all of his vital organs, so it wasn't such an impressive wound anyway. Secondly, the 'spear' referred to is actually the mythical 'Spear of Destiny', whose existence is debatable. So therefore, he may not have actually been stabbed with this spear at all. Hardly impressive to be 'stabbed' by a spear that may not even exist.

Jesus was then taken to a tomb, dressed in fresh robes, and left for three days. Any survivalist will tell you that fresh robes are an invaluable source of improvised bandaging (although whether questionably-existent spear wounds need to be bandaged is debatable itself). Plus, he had three days bed rest, which should have been more than enough time for him to be feeling like his old self again. As the tomb was sealed, it created a dark environment, perfect for resting, and due to the nature of Jerusalemic stone, it created a hyperbaric oxygen chamber which would have sped up his healing rate even more.

Once he had been released from his 'tomb', however, he was found to be quite alive indeed. He spoke with his disciples, who insisted upon poking his wound (inadvisable, as any medical doctor will tell you) and subsequently 'ascended to heaven'. This is an inaccurate report, however. Jesus merely disappeared, due to a paradox. As the Spear of Destiny may or may not exist, Jesus may or may not have died. This created a "Schrodinger's Jesus" paradox that eventually resolved itself by removing all traces of Jesus from existence.

So, as you can see, both science AND religion are right, in a certain sense. Jesus certainly did exist, but at the same time he never existed at all and it is a positively ludicrous suggestion that he did.

Some time ago, however, a rogue Christian from another time line tried to cheat things by travelling back in time and artificially inseminating Jesus' mother Mary, thus creating Jesus after all. The universe will eventually catch up with this transgression by immaculately conceiving the anti-Christ, which will bring about the end of existence through an apocalyptic battle on an enormous scale, creating so many paradoxes that the universe collapses in on itself and all life ceases to be.

That probably won't happen for a while, though.

So, until next time, happy holidays and a merry Christmas. Stay tuned in the new year for more ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!