Love in the Time of Timetravel

My friends, the life of a superscientist is a lonely one, and I must say that fewer women find my status attractive now than they did in 1873 (I travel back to that time occasionally when I get ‘the vapours’). As such, finding a female counterpart can be difficult, especially now that there are sexual harassment lawsuits preventing me from courting the few female scientists employed at my laboratory. It is because of this that I experimented with gender differentiation in cloning. Yes, I know, it was ill-advised, but I sought to engineer a female version of myself. Rutherford Joans was her name (I know that this naming structure is unconventional, but let’s face it, the name Rutherford is an under-used one, and I’m trying to bring it back in style) and my heart melted when I first saw her. Cardiac liquification is an unfortunate side-effect of seeing your own clone, but luckily mine was intelligent enough to reverse the process and my heart is back to the solid state it prefers to be in.

Our courtship was an unusual one - as we were essentially identical, conversation was limited to stating various topics and then nodding in agreement. This left more time for sexual intercourse, which was awkward and uncomfortable for both parties, but I am told this is normal in married couples, so logically we deduced that we were ahead of romantic schedule. I am sure that most of my readers (all three of them) are condemning me right now for this shocking display of what may be constituted as ‘incest’, but you should no doubt be aware that clones are always infertile, so there was no risk of impregnation and genetic abominations. Additionally, I performed a hysterectomy on Rutherford Joans whilst she was still in the cloning tank. Also I am sterile due to years of working with plutonium.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Well, actually, it was meant to be, as I intentionally designed the experiment myself and engineered her from scratch, but the relationship did not work out. That is what I meant to say. Opposites attract, goes the old adage, and sadly the inverse also applies. My female counterpart and I were electromagnetically repelled from each other and flung across the room, which made the sex even more difficult. Holding hands was significantly more complicated than usual, unless we used statically charged gloves, and even then the electric shocks made it too painful to enjoy much. Eventually we realised that our relationship would not work, and we parted ways. Then I harvested her body for resources and engineered some lab assistants to help me build a death ray. It’s sad, though in a way, I’ll always have a reminder of the times we shared together, and every time I molecularly disassemble one of the workers with an enormous laser, I’ll think of her and smile.

Until next time, dear readers, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN ROMANCE!