Since the dawn of time, or, at the very least, the dawn of time-outs, science and sports have been rivals. Science is the geek, and sports is the jock. Sports is popular. Everyone likes sports. Science isn’t popular, but it does the important work. And when it’s not doing important work, it is fighting goblins and ogres with a +3 broadsword, which, I think you will agree is also important work, at least to the peasants that are about to be eaten.
But where did it all begin, you ask? Scientists were not always the down-trodden underdog of the sporting world. Sport is, in essence, applied physics. Physics, as I should not need to tell you, is a type of science. It should not surprise you, then, that scientists were once magnificent players, dominating whatever game they set their mind to, and their minds were considerable.
Tall, muscular, intelligent and ethically unimpeded, the scientists rose to fame through their legendary prowess. They calculated the angle, momentum and speed of a ball, the precise area to hit it, or catch it, or stab it with a rapier. They knew how to vault over a pole with ease, to illicit the best response from the crowd; they even knew how to determine the atomic composition of the trophies they won (most of them were made from Hyper-brass).
The scientists, it seemed, had the unfair advantage. After many heated debates (these are much like regular debates, but they take place over a giant Bunsen-burner) amongst the United Nations Ethics, Quality and Unfairness in Athletic Leagues committee, it was decided that the more intelligent the scientists were, the less muscular and physically dexterous they could be. Some scientists, like Professor Stephen Hawking, were outraged, and rebelled against the judgment, using science to grow new muscle tissue from pig stem-cells. These scientists were punished for their hubris, and that is the reason Stephen Hawking is crippled and enfeebled to this day. It is also why Stephen Hawking always smells like bacon.
Scientists grew to resent sports, especially when the sporting community started appropriating scientific concepts to make sports more engaging. Perhaps the best example of this is the ‘standing wave’, also known as the Mexican wave, for its inventor; Professor Charles Mexican, a Welsh scientist and occasional racist. Professor Mexican was outraged at this new use for his standing wave, which had previously been used only to speed up the transmission of polio between minorities.
This negative attitude towards sports has changed, however, with the invention of Science-ball. Science-ball is a new type of sport that only a scientist may play. Normal athletes cannot comprehend the advanced scientific concepts that govern the rules of the game, or the fact that the rules of the game can be changed at any time as long as whoever made up the rule is discredited by a group of scientists that are able to submit a peer-reviewed journal article whilst hitting a beam of positrons with an energised bat made of radium. The game is difficult, largely because it is impossible to predict where the ball will be at any one time. Instead, scientists hold a Heisenberg glove into a probability cloud that represents where the ball may be found at certain times. When a pile of Uranium-238 has decayed by three half-lives, a buzzer is sounded and the Heisenberg-glove is empirically tested using Infra-red spectroscopy and nuclear magnetic resonance to determine whether or not the ball has been caught. The game is then over, and the results are published in six to eight months with detailed graphs, diagrams and a reference list that spans eight pages. Of course, the rules are constantly in a state of flux, and rival scientists may try to sabotage the player’s attempt at catching the ball (possibly by releasing mutated insects, infectious viruses or laser-wielding robots onto the field). Very few people have been killed, but I feel it is only a matter of time before someone discredits Dr. Steinberg’s theory that murder is not inherently entertaining. Did I mention that Steinberg is a notorious rapist and a drunkard? Also, his scientific credentials are highly suspect.
Until next time, I hope you have enjoyed another of my ADVENTURES IN SCIENCE!
1 comment:
Bravo!
My favourite bit is "...and the results are published in six to eight months"
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