Wednesday, March 23, 2011

On employment, specifically mine.

Recently, I have been employed by the government to solve the problem of unemployment. Because of this, my job is already partially completed, as at least one person in the world is now no longer unemployed. With this in mind, I literally CANNOT fail as there is already a slight margin of success, and so I really don’t have to work that hard. It is a pretty sweet deal, and I am able to simply wander the streets, interrogating vagrants. This is little different to my regular schedule, but now I am paid for it, and I get to wear a badge.

Between my roughing-up of vagrants, however, I have had time to ponder and muse on this subject. Time, as they say, is money. If my interrogations have taught me nothing else, it is that the unemployed have nothing but time. If this is the case, WHY ARE POOR PEOPLE STILL SO POOR? I think I’ve pretty much solved that problem, I just have to wait for the universe’s logic to kick in and I’m done. With my copious amounts of free time (and thus, free money), I have decided to create a handy job-seeking guide for the unemployed amongst you.

Step one is to apply for a job. Any job, it doesn’t really matter which. Find something and apply for it, chances are you will not get this job, but it will help you get your foot in the door, and believe me when I say that putting your foot through the door makes a strong impression on a prospective employer. Kick their door down when going for the interview. If you get the job, great! Be sure kick down the door to your new office, to show them who the boss is (note: it is not you yet, but maybe one day, if you kick down enough doors.) If you don’t get the job, and this is likely to happen, be sure to leave your resume for any other jobs they might be looking to fill. Like the old proverb says, when one door closes, it’s probably a good opportunity to kick it down.

Step two is the actual interview. Don’t be nervous – most recruitment agents are genetically engineered to smell fear. The release of adrenaline associated with your nervousness will be picked up by them, causing a surge in their dopamine levels. Instead, threaten them with a knife to show them you mean business, regardless of what the business actually is (note: if the business involves actual knives, such as a restaurant or knife-fighting ring, you may like to bring in an elephant gun to really make your point clear.)

Once you have failed at obtaining three jobs, it is time to fake some credentials and apply for a government grant on how to solve unemployment. This dissertation completes the requirements of my government contract, and my ten thousand dollars and I will bid you good luck, and happy job hunting.

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